i know its long but please help..
Okay, well my family used to be perfect but it just started getting bad a couple of years ago and it gets worse and worse. When my mom had her first child, she only lived to be 12 days old, and that really left a big hold in my moms life. So… she went to counceling, and that helped but shes still going to it, and its not really seeming to help anymore with our family issues. Then, She had me and she was really really really overprotective until around the age of 11 “im 14 now”, and we had a really close relationship. Then, she had my brother “who is 10 now” and hes always had problems with anger management, so i guess you could say it started going downhill there. Then she had my other brother “8 now” and hes always been the “sweet, perfect, angelic, sensitive” child. Last, she has my sister “4 now” she used to be really sweet but after all the screaming and emotional stress that has gone on, shes become really mean and hateful of everyone.
I dont know exactly where it all started. I guess it started with me and my mom/my brother and my mom getting fights which increasingly got worse “i think part of it might be becauser my mom has borderline personality disorder’ but anway at the same time my dad just started a new business, so hes not home as much, and hes trying to make money but my mom has this idea in her head that he just wants to be away from the family, thats not the case at all.
So it started getting worse and worse when it became physical. For example, my mom would hit my brother kinda lightly with a closed fist, he would hit her back, he would say he wanted to kill her in her sleep, my mom would say i hate you, and my brother would call my dad at work. My mom always ALWAYS twisted around the stories and i think in her head, she made herself believe that they were true, but after enough of these fighting scenarios with all of us, my dad started to believe the kids, which my mom HATES. My mom loves the two youngest siblings, and thinks there perfect, my little sister definately isnt, and since our relationship which was strongest grew apart, she even loves my 10 year old brother more and is always sticking up for him. Luckily, I have my dad who sticks up for me. so it is basically my mom and brother against me and my dad.
Well after all these calls of me crying to my dad, and me running away, because my mom would call me “worthless,slutty, not as good as anyone in the family” and she would say she wants to send me away, my dad started threatening divorce, which is not a good thing to bpd people. Ever since then my moms been trying so hard to not hit us, but my dad thinks shes trying to hard and being faky and hes still considering divorce as a possibility. So every time he mentions it my mom literally has a breakdown “cusses, hits people, cant breathe, runs around in circles, tries to find the keys to her car to drive away” all of that stuff.. and she is always saying how shes not gonna live without my dad which kind of puts him on the spot. My dad has so much financial stress, and family stress adn hes becoming depressed and sad, and hes never smiling anymore. The last few months have been hardest for me. Ive started cutting, I have very in depth suicidal thoughts, and i just sit in my room and listen to music, nothing in life seems fun aymore, i just want to sleep and never wake up.
My mom has her nice days too, she takes me shopping, out to lunch, and laughs but i cant forgive her for everthing shes done in the past. me and my dad try to tell her that but she just says how hateful, and grudge holding we are. I realy feel so bad, and yesterday morning she left and i dont konw where she is, and im relaly scared and worried, and she caled my dad last night but only asked to say goodnight to the other kids. She hates me so much, And i konw its because she thinks in her little twisted brain that im trying to break her and my dad up but im doing the opositte. Im going to a psychologist and i just got bloodtests for this…. http://www.theultramindsolution.com/laun… instead of having to take medication, im waiting to get my results back, but im so depressed, and lonely. adn i have to balance school on top of al lof this right now i have straight fs and im moving schools so ill have to get adjusted to that school and what should i do. im scard to call my mom and find out where she is………she could be anywhere from a friends house, to a psychiatric ward, to a hotel 
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Please Help.. My Moms Suicidal..im Suicidal…my Life Is A Mess, And I Cant Fix It No Matter How Hard I Try!?6 comments to Please Help.. My Moms Suicidal..im Suicidal…my Life Is A Mess, And I Cant Fix It No Matter How Hard I Try!? |
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I’m sorry for everything you are going through. Right now I think you are being the victim of someone that you mentioned has been diagnosed with BPD. There is a book called “walking on eggshells” or something like that I don’t know the exact title, and I think it will help you a lot because it tells you how to understand and not be a victim of someone with BPD.
My best advice is to focus on school as much as you can. I know it’s hard, but it’s what will get you going in life. Your mom doesn’t sound like she is in her 5 senses, and you are too yong to fully understand why she acts the way she acts (I’m not defending her by any means). Your dad might be outside the house a lot because of all the stress.
Just DON’T believe the nasty things you hear about you. Is a tough job, because we all base our self esteem in what our loved ones say about us, but it sounds like your mom is “out of it”, so you shouldn’t trust what she says about you.
I’M NOT A PROFESSIONAL, this is just my opinion.
Honey, you can’t fix your mom or your dad, or their relationship. You will come t that conclusion later in life and it´s better to realize that now. It is not your responsability….
Stay in school. Try to make friends. Stay out of the fights at home. Try your hardest to not let your mom’s comments get to you. Stay strong. Suicide won´t fix anything, it will only create more pain. And if you´re not talking to a professional, do it and do it soon. They can help you.
Good luck.
Your mom is mentally imbalanced. Her diagnosis is not necessarily comprehensive. A mother is such an integral part of a family that her dysfunction has taken root in her children. It is not beyond reason that the propensity toward mental illness is inherited, to some degree in her children.
You are trying to take on too much. It is not your responsibility to “fix” your family. Look at it. You can”t fix yourself! This is the position that your mother is in. She can not fix herself either.
The entire family needs to be in therapy of some sort, including your Dad because mental illness, often, exceeds our coping skills and it is hard enough to focus your attention on yourself, let alone other family members. All the “F’s” indicates that you have lost that battle with yourself. You are unable to step out from the psychological trauma of your family to focus on academics.
Leave the thoughts of divorce to your parents. You can neither avoid it, nor have you promoted it. Your Dad is just looking for a solution and realizing that “things can not stay the same”. The additional children after the loss of a child, may have been more of an adjustment than your Mom could take. Sometimes women keep having babies to fill the void from the loss of one. It never works. You may have even spent too much of your life trying to fill that void for her. You can not. No one can.
Since you are in psychological counseling, good for you. Give them your attention because you do need help. It may be difficult to withdraw from your family members because your concern and love bleed over into your life since you have been under undue responsibility all of your life. You are an individual but you have not learn how to be independent of a group. Your well-being is at stake. More than anything else, this is a trial for you.
Forget the length. You have so much going on, I know this was hard for you. It will get better, but that means that things will have to change. Do not look at change as a bad thing.
Peace & Hope
It sounds like your mom and your brother both need to see a psychiatrist.
Wow! It’s great that you could share this with the rest of us. It helps to talk about it, doesn’t it?
Staying in your room all day listening to music probably isn’t the best way to handle it. Music is wonderful, but be sure to spend time outside walking and exercising. It (exercising) helps to decrease the stress.
It sounds like your Mom is pretty overwhelmed and doesn’t really have much to give. You may have to seek out a ‘substitute’ Mother by asking the school counselor if she will talk with you. See if you can get a counselor or therapist for free through school. I suggest you stay away from the house and the stress as much as possible. Spend time at the library, outside walking, riding your bike, over at friend’s houses.
Don’t expect too much from your Mom, she sounds pretty damaged.
Cutting yourself isn’t really helping your situation. There are better ways to deal with stress, like I said before, talking about it and exercising.
Your job isn’t to make money for the family or help your Mom & Dad solve their emotional problems.
Your job is to finish school so you can get a decent job, take care of your emotions & health, and support your Mom as best as you can by asking her how you can help her and maybe staying out of her way.
Ask her to take you to some Al-ateen meetings. They are free and might help. They are for children of alcoholics mostly, but your Mom sounds pretty addicted and the meetings are the best thing going in town in my opinion.
Go to regular al-anon meetings if there aren’t any al-ateen meetings in your area.
Good luck!
Yam King
PS It won’t always be like this.
Soon you’ll be working somewhere and living in your own cool apartment and you will be happy.
First of all, you are extremely lucky compared to many others. just think of others who have it worse than you. Second, see a doctor, suicide is never the answer.
I know its long but Just try to relax and if you feel suicidal go herehttp://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
It will help you get out from this thoughts.
I know how it feels when your family seems falling apart. Here’s what you should do in my opinion
In a weekend, tell your dad to take a day off and all your family sit around the dinner table and just tell these two things “What you love about your family and what you hate about it” Don’t react to anything your mom says and just let her speak first.
You should show to your mom that you care about her as well like offer to cook. You can go to school and get your grades better anytime but if you or your mom die you will never get better.
You said you like to listen to songs then listen to this “No giving up by crossfade”
For your brothers then tell them about your plan to keep the family together and they should help you.
Hope I helped.
Here’s the lyrics of the song and try to get your mom listen it
So you found out today your life’s not the same
Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday but
When you were just getting in the groove
Now you’re faced with something new
And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn
But you never gave up this easily before
So why do you choose today to give it all away
Well it’s not so bad y’all
Together we all fall
Just as long we get up we’ll stand tall
We shouldn’t waste another day
Thinking ’bout the things that we forgot to say
I’m hittin’ back y’all
Kickin’ these four walls
Just as hard as I can til I can’t crawl
I won’t waste another day
With all these silly things
Swimmin’ in my brain
[Chorus]
There’s no giving up now
Do you really want to give this all away
Can’t you ever see things in a different way
Somedays
No giving up now
Such a beautiful thing to throw away
You should think things through
Over and over again
All over again
So your scars fade away
You soaked up the pain
A better person ’cause you lived through those days
And now you know what it’s like to prove
You can overcome anything that gets to you
Well it’s alright
We’re sayin’ our goodbyes
To the past and everything that ain’t right
We won’t waste another day
With all these silly things in our way
[Chorus]
I know we have given
All that we can give
When there’s nothing to lean on
Well, I remember this
All we make of this lifetime
Is always here within
And remembering that’s why
We should never give in
[Chorus]
There’s no giving up now